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Grief is so very complex. The pain from losing a child, I do not believe, is ever completely healed, however, you can have a joyful life in spite of the unnatural event that has forever changed the way you look at the world.
I will mainly be addressing the loss of a child here because this is my experience. Please click on a subject to view information about it.
My friends are avoiding me. I really could use their support. What can I do?
When someone asks me how many children do I have, what do I say?
I'm having panic attacks and am so scared I'm going to lose another child
Are there any books I can read about going through this process?
In the beginning, I felt lost. Life felt surreal and I moved from one thing to the next, without direction, without purpose. Never in my worst nightmare had I ever dreamt I would be planning a funeral for my child. It is not something we put into the day’s task list – "Go shopping. Get gas. Plan to bury my son." Yet here we are - having to do the unthinkable. I was in a haze of disbelief. How could this be happening to me? I do not believe this is real. I pray I wake from this nightmare soon…. But I never awaken. This is my life now. How in the world am I going to survive this? It feels so huge and so overwhelming and so unnatural, you really do not believe you will survive. Let me be the first to tell you, you will survive. It might feel like you will not, but you will. I know it sounds like one of those stupid clichés. You say, "Of course I’ll survive. What else can I do?" There may be times, though, when you question not only your sanity, but your ability to endure the pain. You may feel it would just be easier to join your child, and if this feeling begins to consume you, get help! For me that meant calling a friend, getting online to chat with my angelmoms group or talking with others who have experienced loss. For you it might mean something else. Most bereaved parents do think about joining their child at least once during this journey, sometimes more. Again, if this becomes a consuming thought or you start to plan this out, please get help.
At some point, someone will recommend antidepressants for you. Be very careful with this. Antidepressants numb the pain so you do not feel it as much. The whole point of this journey is to feel the grief, not to get rid of it. There is no "getting rid" of it. That is not how this works. Medications, as well meaning as they are, can delay the pain, but at some point, you will need to deal with it. Many feel after taking medications, the pain is much worse. There are other ways to learn to deal with this "new normal." Please look at all options. If you need assistance with this, contact me and we can look at all angles.
For me, my identity was shattered. Along with all of the other blows of trying to figure out how to live without my oldest child, one of my first thoughts was that I was no longer the mother of three children. Everywhere around me were mothers of three children. At once, I was no longer identifiable. Who was I? I used to give advice to those moms having a rough day with those three children. I used to say, "It gets better! My oldest helps me so much now!" That was gone. I no longer had my helper. How I relied on my J.T. for so much more than I ever imagined.
Who was I?
I homeschooled my son that year. I no longer had a child to homeschool. I was no longer his teacher. I didn’t really have that community with which to interact. I relied on them more than I knew.
Who was I?
I spent so many years working on who I was and had it down to a tee! I lost so much that morning when they told me, "He didn’t make it."
Who was I? And will I ever make it back?
For others, the secondary losses involve being "grandma" or "grandpa". When your married child leaves, what does that do to your relationship with his/her spouse? More importantly, what does that do to your relationship with your grandchildren? This is huge. You worry you will no longer be included in their lives. You won’t be able to watch the only living piece of your child grow up. You ask, "What happens if my daughter in law or son in law remarry? Will I still be part of the family?" I do know many families who have worked this out and absolutely still include the grandparents in their children’s lives. They absolutely honor that relationship. I know of others who have not. Do what you need to do in a healthy way to keep that communication open. Ask for help wherever you can.
For those whose children left in their teens or twenties, it might be your secondary loss is not seeing your child marry and have children, being denied that grandparent role. Honor this loss. It is real and it is true. If it helps, the NICU at many hospitals look for "baby holders". When my third child was born with a heart defect requiring open heart surgery, I would watch these wonderful volunteers hold these babies who craved touch and love. It broke my heart that these little babies had to be here to begin with, but to have someone there to hold them made all the difference to them and to me. It is an option if you feel like sharing the love you have, the love you feel you won’t ever be able to give to your biological grandchildren. It does not replace that loss, but it can help with the healing.
There are different secondary losses for those whose children were stillborn, miscarried or passed within the first year. Seeing pregnant women or friends having babies can be excruciating. Just walking into the grocery store can be a grief experience. Your nursery remains empty. The baby clothes all washed and ready to be worn…with no one to wear them. The loss of not being able to nurse your child, birth your child, hold your child. Do not feel you have to pack everything up right away. Do it in your time. Sometimes it helps to spend time in that room, honoring your grief. Only you can say what is right for you. Don’t let anybody else convince you to do anything before you are ready. It is not their grief. It is yours.
My other children were five and three when J.T. left. How was I going to make this OK for them? How was I going to get them through this? Why do they, at such young ages, have to deal with this? My three year old lost his best friend that day. He kept running to the door expecting J.T. to come home any minute. At three, just don’t get the concept of death. Anytime the garage door opened or the doorbell rang (which was often since we had people in and out) he would run and say, "J.T.’s home! J.T.’s home!" It tore my heart wide open each and every time. Not only did it tear it open because of my pain, but also because of my son’s pain. Having to explain again that J.T. would not be coming home, his body died and he can no longer use it just wasn't getting through. I didn't make sense to me. How was it going to make sense to a three year old?! It’s so unfair, I would think. How is this ever going to be OK for him? It’s just not fair. I get a little chuckle out of that last sentence. J.T. used to say that all the time. He always thought his brother and sister got more fairness than he did. I’m sure he’s laughing right now.
J.T.’s sister was suddenly the oldest living child. I know that weighed heavily on her. She was the invisible middle child, and then suddenly, she was very visible. She tried so hard to fill her older brother’s shoes. She really took so much on as her own when it really wasn’t. I was very concerned about her – she seemed to bury her grief because she didn’t want me to see it. She felt if she was strong for me, I would be alright. At five years old, you should not have to be strong for anyone! Convincing her she didn’t have to be the family rock was a feat. I would open a little of grief in front of her just to give her the opportunity to cry also. When she would cry, I would tell her that crying is good. It releases stress and hormones and other chemicals that weigh the body down. Little by little, she felt more at ease with crying.
I found at the same time, though, I needed to limit showing my grief in front of my children. All the advice I got was the same – let your children see you grieve. This is true to a point. There is a point at which you have to let your intuition tell you enough is enough. That point for me was one day at the cemetery. I took my daughter with me. She wanted to come. I started to cry. She sat in my lap. I asked her a question…not sure why I did, but I’m glad I did. I asked, "you know I love you, don’t you?" She said, "No, I don’t" I was a bit shocked. I asked, "Why not?" She replied, "Because you don’t cry for me like you do J.T." I was stunned. So all the grief I had shown her for her brother made her think I loved him more. If I loved her, I would be crying for her, too. You can’t really explain to a five year old, "Well, you’re not dead, honey, so that’s why I’m not crying for you." That makes no sense at all! I realized right then that there is such a thing as showing a child too much grief. It very much depends on the child. I did not "eliminate" my grief altogether, but I did parcel it out in little chunks for them. I spent a lot more time at the cemetery alone so I could mourn without feeling like I was under the microscope. Cemeteries are great places to let it out. No one expects you to be happy there. No one expects you to "move on" there. No one expect that you won’t scream, cry, stomp, have a tantrum or curse God there. It is a very good place to mourn.
I tried to shut off all the "whys" in my head by taking hot baths. Even hot baths weren’t soothing anymore. I used to seek refuge in my bathroom with my bathtub. A few moments of quiet from my three angels. Even this did not comfort me now…not in the least! I found that many of the things I enjoyed to do prior to J.T. leaving, I just couldn’t do anymore. Partly, this was because I just didn’t feel like doing anything. Partly because I couldn’t enjoy anything. And partly because I was so out of my element, nothing made any sense anymore. I was talking with a dear friend about my bath dilemma. He reminded me that water is the element of emotions. It didn’t feel good at all sitting in that water because I was just sitting in my emotions, with nowhere for them to go. He suggested I wash my grief away in the shower, imagining my grief and sorrow going down the drain with the water.
Determined to enjoy baths again, I tried it in the bathtub. I filled it with hot water, sat in it until I just felt I couldn’t stand it anymore, then pulled the drain plug. I didn’t get out. I sat there in the water as it drained out of the tub. I imagined all my sorrow and grief going down the drain with the water. I didn’t move until the last drop was down the drain. Then I stood up. The first time I did this, I didn’t know what to expect. I was sure it was a waste of time. To my amazement, I felt better! I really could feel the grief being drained from my body and going down the bathtub drain. At last, I found something that worked, something that made me feel less icky. There was a glimmer of hope. Maybe I was going to be OK.
I’ll never forget the viewing. We had it the night before the funeral. We weren’t going to go. My husband wanted to remember J.T. as he was when he was alive, not in a casket. I realized we needed to go for my three year old. He was not getting the concept of death. I thought if he saw his brother there, he would get it.
We walked in and there was a woman and her children there. I had just found out a day or so before that she, too, lost a child. He was four at the time. You never would have known it. She acted so "normal", I thought. How did she do it? Before I could say anything to her, she said something to me, something I held onto like glue on those days and nights when I thought I was going to die from my broken heart. She told me, "Sarina, you will survive this. You might not think you will right now, but you will." Later I asked her if she was happy, I mean, really happy. I couldn’t imagine a life without my J.T., let alone being happy ever again. She said, "Yes, I am. Sometimes I’m not, but for the most part I am."
Sandy was my inspiration. There were many nights when I remembered her words. She was the only one I knew who could talk from experience. Let the "experts" say what they will. If they hadn’t lost a child, I didn’t give a damn about what they said. They had no idea what they were talking about! But Sandy did. She was nine years ahead of me on this journey, and she was still walking, talking, laughing, being a great mother to her other four children…..maybe I can do this…..
Those nights when I felt so lost, so much in the "pit" of grief, I remembered Sandy. I remembered how she was living life. I knew there were still sad days for her...how could there not be? But I also knew she had worked through so much of her grief and rebuilt her life. One of my biggest fears was that I lost the person I was forever. All those years of creating who I was….gone. Thank God for Sandy. I could see my future in her. I could see that I, too, was able to reclaim myself. It would not happen overnight, but I knew it would happen. And it did. I will never be "the same". In fact, I am better. I am more compassionate about life, I experience life more fully, and I am making my time here count for more.
Does that mean I don’t miss my boy? I will always miss my boy. There will always be a huge hole in my heart. And there will be days which are harder than others. But I know I will survive and be able to be the same inspiration to others as Sandy is to me.
My husband during this time was doing his best not to feel what was happening. His only concern was his family. Many men will do this. They are, after all, the providers. They consider it their job to take care of the family. When a child dies, they feel failure…like they did not do their job. To compensate for this, or maybe just because they feel they have to, they do not do any of their own processing. They are the shoulder to cry on, the papa bear that is the solid rock for the family. Not all men feel this way, but my husband did. It wasn’t until we were into the second year without J.T. that he started to feel his grief. This came out in varying ways. He would get very grumpy and short with the kids. He would snap at the littlest thing…kind of like I did when I was first thrown into this new life. If I could recognize it early enough, I could catch him and send him to the cemetery to express his grief, or the gun range to blow the hell out of his grief. Both were effective.
Even though a man might have an outlet he enjoys, he might feel too guilty about doing it. He might not feel like he should take any time for himself. Please give him permission to go.
There are also grief groups for men. One of the moms in my online community was gracious enough to share the online community her husband started. Here is the address if you are a grieving dad and want to join in: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/dadsofangels/join
This is a tough question. Many I know are still struggling with day to day responsibilities, finding it difficult to function at all. Others are functioning well enough to put on that happy face and go to work. I personally don’t know if I had to work outside my home whether I would have travelled through the wilderness as well as I have. I believe many of us force ourselves to face "reality" far too soon. There truly is a hibernation time we need to have where we should not be forced to assume that plastic smile and say "May I help you?" Other countries are far more practical about grieving and allow so much more time to get back to "normal". Unfortunately, for those of us who live here in the United States, we have to deal with our short bereavement leave and "get on with life", or so it seems.
For others, they don’t feel they can mourn openly anywhere because people keep expecting them to get better. Let me be the first to give you the news flash, we will always feel that gaping hole in our hearts, always. Does that mean we will never be happy or have joy in our lives again? Absolutely not! I was bound and determined to get joy back into my life as fast as possible. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I did need to grieve. It wasn’t going anywhere. If I avoided it, it would be waiting for me around the corner and hit me so unexpectedly, I’d have to run out of grocery stores trying to hold my tears until I got to the car. All because I realized I had to buy the smaller package of hot dog buns because J.T. wasn’t there anymore to eat his share!
Grief will find you. You can try to run, you can try to hide, but it will find you. So, don’t run, don’t hide. The quicker you accept your grief, the more processing you can do, and then the more you will be lifted up. One day, you will awaken without having your first thought be that dreadful day you lost your loved one. One day you will catch yourself smiling at the sky because of a beautiful cloud your angel brought especially for you. You will see the beauty in everything around you again, instead of the darkness which you thought became the existence of your life. You will laugh at a joke, or think of a funny thought or memory of your child. And, you will feel guilty about it…the first hundred times it happens. What I tell people when they tell me they feel guilty about being happy again, I ask them if they really thought their child would want them to feel guilty, or enjoy the moment. The answer is always the latter. Enjoy those glimpses of happiness and joy when they come. The more you embrace them, the more they will come.
My friends are avoiding me. I could really use their support. What can I do?
Frankly, death scares the crap out of most people. Again, other cultures know it’s the inevitable and they honor it so much more than we do here in the states. That doesn’t mean you can’t have any friends. What it does mean is that you might have to educate them a little bit. Here is a wonderful "instruction sheet" to send to your friends: TALKING WITH FRIENDS WHO HAVE LOST A CHILD -By Linda Waxler
Do not worry that mentioning the name of the child will "remind" bereaved parents of their child. We remember our child every minute of every day. We want to talk about our child. Mention his name. One of our biggest fears is that he will be forgotten and one of our biggest joys is to hear his name.
Understand that we are parents without the right number of children. Because of this we experience over and over again fear, anger, guilt, sorrow, loss of future, isolation, abandonment. These are not steps that we work through but feelings that will continue to return forever with various intensity and in different forms. Keep in mind that there really is no "closure" to the grief for the loss of a child. How can there be? Such loss is against nature and against all that we understand in the passage from one generation to the next.
What you say to bereaved parents is less important than that you say something. Ignoring bereaved parents is only adding to the burden of grief. Simply asking "How are you doing?" can be very helpful. But do it often.
When bereaved parents return to the workplace, make sure that you stop by, even if it's just to say "hello." After the loss of a child, parents often feel as if they are starting all over. This "new life" is just in the infancy stage and a friendly word makes a difference.
Call bereaved parents just to let them know you are thinking about them. Don't be insulted if they do not call you. Grieving saps energy for a long time.
Never think that grieving parents are somehow "holding onto their grief. "There is no such thing. The loss of a child causes endless grief that becomes part of the bereaved parent's inner self forever.
Remember that grief is not a process that one goes through a step at a time. Grieving is a roller coaster ride, and it is circular. The first couple of years, we are numb. When the numbness goes away, we are shocked to see that the world has gone on without our child. When we come out of this numbness, we are different people with a new sense of what it is to be "normal."
When parents lose their child, their hearts are broken. A huge hole is left. This hole will never heal - only the jagged edges around the hole may heal with time. Our grief, not always in the same form and maybe not as intense, will be with us the rest of our lives.
It does not matter how a child died or whether he was one week old or sixty years old. Nor does it matter whether there are surviving children. There is something absolute about the loss of each and every individual child.
Certain times of year will trigger intense sadness. Birthdays, anniversaries of the death, holidays, Mother's and Father's Day, weddings and funerals are just some. We can never properly prepare ourselves for these days. A simple "I am thinking of you and I know this day must be hard" goes a long way with bereaved parents.
Not all of your friends will be there for you. Some, even after reading the above, still will not be able to deal with you anymore. Some might feel death is contagious, like their children will die if they hang around you. Try to not take this personally, as it is just a matter of ignorance and fear on their part. Be grateful that they are NOT in your life if they have that much fear!
You will also be surprised at who does stay close to you. I sure was. I had no idea what was going to happen. To this day, those who stuck by me are still very much in my life and I am so grateful for their love and support. We are truly blessed to have the family of friends we do, and I let them know as often as possible how much they mean to me.
When someone asks how many children I have, what do I say?
This is personal preference, for sure. Some leave it at that. Others ask if they are girls or boys. I reply two boys and one girl. If they are very curious, they will ask for their ages. I always include J.T. first. I say, "My oldest boy is in heaven. He would be x years old. My daughter is x and my youngest son is x."
If you take this approach, be ready to explain how your child passed. So many people are curious. They somehow want to exclude themselves from what happened. I tend to get the look of shock when I say, "He caught the flu and didn’t make it." But I have to be truthful with them, if they ask. If they don’t, I don’t offer, unless I am compelled to do so. They say how sorry they are and I say, "thank you" and leave it at that. You might need to practice what you are going to say so it doesn’t catch you off guard. That can be quite a grief trigger, so be prepared!
I am having panic attacks and am so scared I’m going to lose another child.
I never had panic attacks until J.T. left. I didn’t even know what they were! Mine would usually occur at night, after everyone went home and I was left to go to sleep without tucking my boy into his bed. I was terrified I was going to lose another child, too. I didn’t want to go to sleep because I feared waking up, just like that March morning, to find another child dead.
Many doctors will recommend medication to alleviate these attacks. I haven’t found many people for which the medication works 100% though. What helped me get through them was breathing, talking to J.T. (before I could hear him, I would just talk and talk and talk), watching TV, a glass of wine or a beer (no more than that! Any more and I would be up half the night! Did you know alcohol is a stimulant?) There would also be friends who I knew would be up, or would not have gone to sleep, maybe in different time zones, and I would call them and just talk. I always knew just the right person to call who would alleviate my fears and anxiety enough so I could get to sleep. I also took lavender baths.
If you are not getting relief at all by any of the things you have tried, please try the natural route first prior to filling that prescription. Research homeopathy and herbs, or find someone well versed in these and ask for recommendations. Just like with medication, improper use of herbs can be dangerous. Homeopathic therapies are usually very safe. Ask your angel for guidance, and then expect an answer! Sometimes we ask, but we don’t expect the help. What good is that? You have to know you will get the help you need if you ask!
Are there any books I can read about going through this process?
Yes! I can recommend a few books. They are listed below under Recommended Reading. I have read most, but the ones I have not personally read were highly recommended to me. Please read the first one listed by Alan Wolfelt. He is amazing and the only person I know who knows grief so intimately without actually having lost a child. Thank God for Dr. Wolfelt!
I encourage you to look at your grief as a journey TO somewhere, regardless of what kind of grief you are experiencing. There is always a reason why people leave this earth when they do -- no one EVER leaves before it is their time. Ever. So, your loved one's passing is only a stepping stone to somewhere YOU need to go, whether it is closer to love, closer to truth, closer to your dreams, closer to your other children, closer to the Divine. It is different for each of us. Usually, that person leaves to open a door for us. I know that sounds crazy if you are just reading this and your loved one, especially your child, has left recently. You say, "HOW can you seriously say this?" I say this to open your eyes and mind to something you know in your heart is true.
Before we come to this school we call Earth, there are certain things we say will we do. We agree to certain events and ask for the help of our soul family to make sure we follow through. So it was with me and my son. I know I agreed to have him for a short time. I know he agreed to be the one to leave, as opposed to any of my other children. I know because I remember doing it. At first, I told people who said I had a "soul contract" to have him die that they were crazy! I didn't even know what a soul contract was. I learned that a soul contract is what we agree to do in this lifetime before we came into our bodies. As crazy as it sounds, I agreed to have my son leave. HE agreed to leave. Truthfully, he likes it much better on the other side -- can't say I blame him!
I now had the truth about the Divine. J.T.'s "death" gave me proof that we really NEVER die. How do I know? I talk to my son every night, and he talks to me every night. I also talk to my guides and angels, and other people's guides and angels and loved ones. There's no way I could do what I do if I thought we really "died".
So my truth now is that we have an INFINITE support system available to us -- right on the other side of that very thin veil we call "this world" and "that world." They really coexist together -- most of us don't see them, though, and therefore, don't think we can "verify" their existence. I don't need to "verify" anything. My greatest blessing is to still have my son with me at any time of the day or night. I just call him and he is there.
Part of my soul contract is also to educate others about this. Because J.T.'s leaving opened my soul to my many gifts, my grief journey through this wilderness is very unique. It does not mean I don't grieve. It does not mean I don't get angry. It does not mean I don't cry on his birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, his angel-date, Easter, Mother's day, my birthday, etc. I still miss holding him, hugging him, running my fingers on his fuzzy head, planning his field trips, watching him at Karate or riding his bike, etc. I mourn that those days are gone and I will never have them again. This hurts. Really hurts.
At the same time, I know exactly why he left and what I am supposed to with it. So many of us moms have to have our hearts torn into a million pieces before we wake up and understand what we are supposed to be doing here. Having your child leave before you is horrific and tragic. It might also be exactly what you need to learn what love really is.
I cannot give a blanket statement about every child who leaves and say that they left because of (fill in the blank here). For obvious reasons, that would be ludicrous. But what I CAN offer you is a gift. A gift in this tragedy. A gift in this unnatural event which defies the laws we thought we knew about life and death. The truth is, the only laws are the ones WE make as individuals before we enter into our bodies. WE make the laws here. And there is always a reason. I can't say that enough. There is always a reason.
I am very happy to say that part of J.T.'s "reason" is so he can help me to help you! He is my biggest cheerleader, pushing me beyond my limits, teaching me about "his" world (which is really my world, too...I'm just temporarily not totally there) and helping me reach out to others who want to know the truth. Together, he and I so far have contacted each child we asked to contact, and received comforting words and validations for these parents who, like you, might be wondering "where did he/she go?"
I have to give credit where credit is due here. My angels and guides including J.T. already know who I need to contact and what their loved ones here need to know. So, it's really not up to me. It's up to you and them. I'm just the conduit for the information.
I have listed a number of links for grief resources on this page. This list is by no means all inclusive! These are resources I have found comforting and healing. There are other resources on this website if you are interested in learning how to contact your loved one, or to tap into your own intuitive gifts.
I, like you, still have to journey in this wilderness we call grief. No roadmaps, no signposts. Just my determination to find the answers. I hope they help you the same way they helped me.
Your angel is closer to you now more than ever. There is something special you need to do with this. No child leaves before his or her time. That means you have some work to do. First things first, though. Grieve. Mourn. Process. When you are ready to move the next step about finding the why, call me. That’s why I’m here, and that’s one of the reasons J.T. left is so I can help YOU.
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Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart by Dr. Alan Wolfelt.
Dr. Wolfelt has many books on grief, some very specific to your particular grief. This book is a must for all those grieving a loss of a loved one. Please click on the Center for Loss and Life Transition link below for more information on him and his work.
Healing Grief: Reclaiming Life after Any Loss by James Van Praagh
My Son...My Son, A Guide to Healing after Death, Loss or Suicide by Iris Bolton
Iris Bolton speaks from personal experience about the suicide of her son. This book is a must for any parent who is dealing with this unique loss.
Please click on the link or image.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/AfterlifeEternal/
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Losing someone you love is never
an easy ro
